high alert, i.e., “a lot of paranoia”

 

My poor friend Crystal got interrogated 3 times at Canada Customs & Immigration last night! Traveling alone with her baby, 3 separate officials grilled her about whether this really was her child and whether she really was allowed to travel alone with the baby, since she lacked that sort of documentation from her husband.

The 2nd official called Crystal's house in China! Even though he believed Crystal, he didn't give her anything saying she had passed his checkpoint, and the 3rd guy was worse than the other two put together. After questioning her to the point of tears, he made her wait while he took her passports and came out to find me and ask me all about her. I was sitting down when he came through the doors and I just had a feeling he was looking for me. I freely told him everything I could think of about Crystal. He esp. wanted to know about her marital and family status: "Is she still married to Jim? Where is he right now?" I told about each of their four children, ending with, "And then they had K this summer, obviously." (This morning I smiled wryly at my use of the word "obviously." No, it wasn’t obvious to him at all!)

In the midst of all that, Crystal forgot to claim her car seat, so we had to go back to Customs. Fortunately, the lovely official who came to the door let me go in for the car seat instead of Crystal. Officer Christine was very sweet about the whole ordeal, explaining that security checkpoints are on high alert for family abductions during the holidays. It’s such a big issue, that the Government of Canada provides a 19-page resource: International Child Abductions: A Manual for Parents. Traveling from China to Canada via the USA, poor Crystal apparently seemed suspicious and got caught in what her second questioner called "a lot of paranoia."

If only someone had communicated clearly somewhere along the line that travelers should carry proof of permission! Crystal has traveled so much with her other children—even alone with some of them as babies—and has never encountered any problems like this. Being in a healthy marriage Sometimes systems can be way too efficient!

Anyway, she's here now and we have already had such "a good giggle" as Prince William would say. Looking forward to more giggles and more friends arriving today.

let the in-gathering begin

People are coming from far and wide.

Crystal is arriving tonight … all the way from China. About 7 years ago I rode a Greyhound bus from Moose Jaw to Boise, Idaho (via Salt Lake City) for her wedding. She is making a similarly long and arduous journey for me, also via Salt Lake City! But she’s bringing a 6 month old baby.

Chelle is coming from Seattle. She might be in Alberta already – I’m not sure.

Sherry is coming from Vancouver tomorrow.

My in-laws joke about half of Saskatchewan coming for the wedding!

Tomorrow evening, my cousin Brandi is throwing a shower for me. I look forward to this special time of gathering in the company of women to bless and encourage me just two nights before I enter the bridal chamber.

Thank you.

mortification of the flesh

I’m feeling a bit dizzied by all the wedding details yet to be accomplished. That and the sobering magnitude of the commitment we’re about to make!

Mike Mason expresses my wariness: “There were many times when I felt quite seriously that everything my life had stood for was being challenged, or that somehow I had been tricked into selling my very soul for the sake of a woman’s love! In short, there was a lot at stake as the wedding day approached; in fact there was everything at stake.”

I do not feel tricked or hoodwinked. I feel painfully aware of the impending commitment: welcoming it, yet reverently fearing it at the same time. Kevin and I are about to embark on a transformational journey from which there is no return. I tire of leaving him at the end of our days together. By the end of the week I won’t be able to get rid of him. We’ll be (willingly) cooped up together in a log cabin with coffee, popcorn, movies, books, and plenty of taxidermy! We’ll be learning about each other in new ways, very vulnerable ways. And we will be changed, “as iron sharpens iron.” Kevin says marriage involves “mortification of the flesh.” Doesn’t sound pretty, does it? Perhaps it’s fitting that we will share a cabin with stuffed wild animals: the heads of 3 big-horn sheep rams, 2 caribou, and one complete cougar shot by our hosts’ son. Mortification, indeed.

Oh, I know that marriage is not all grim. In fact, I know many people for whom marriage is absolute joy and endless delight. And they’re not living in denial either! However, even they have their moments of rubbing the rough edges off each other.

I have a lot of things to do, so I’ll direct you to more of Mike Mason’s reflections:

But how hard it is to give everything! Indeed it is impossible. One can make a symbolic gesture of giving all, accompanied by a grand dramatic public statement to that effect (which is what happens at the wedding ceremony). But this is just a start. The wedding is merely the beginning of a lifelong process of handing over absolutely everything, and not simply everything that one owns but everything that one is.

Read more …

Actually, let’s end with Philippians 2:1-11.

¹ Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a] God,
   did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
   by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
   being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
   he humbled himself
   by becoming obedient to death—
      even death on a cross!

⁹ Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
   and gave him the name that is above every name,
¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
   in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
¹¹ and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
   to the glory of God the Father.

sweet sardines

Youth group. Leader announces “a friendly game of Sardines” and reviews the rules.

The girl who is almost my step-daughter and almost 12 bounces over: “Come on, Colleen!” 

I reply, “I don’t feel well.” (Truly I didn’t.)

Shoulders sag in disappointment, but she bounces back to her friends.

Suddenly I think it best to exert myself, so stand and join them. She’s thrilled.

Together we search the darkened church sanctuary. I am the first to find the hider.

I gesture and whisper the secret to my almost-step-daughter and crawl under the row. The girl follows. 

More youths follow. My elbow is jumped on—all part of the fun!

Several girls leave the hiding spot, presumably to act as decoys (and wear off energy).

Almost-step-daughter stays, inches closer and pokes me, as she is wont to do.

I poke back. Our fingers play a bit, then settle in. We lay quietly linked until the game ends.

Who knew Sardines could be so sweet?

p.s. Because I found the hider first, I was “it” for the next round. Wedged behind a Christmas tree, I overheard almost-step-daughter explain, “She’s marrying my dad.” :)

p.p.s. It’s been fun to invite kids to our wedding. Surprising how many have never been to one. 

know your numbers

• 1 cup of water, first thing in the morning, then 3 cups of coffee, and I still didn’t feel woken until about 1 pm.
• 1010 AM and 1140 AM: radio stations of choice (though neither got much airtime from me today).
• 4 hours of web development. We’re getting closer to ready to launch: www.northernlakeshealthcommittee.ca.
• 3 hours in the bookstore.
• 1600 lbs of books delivered by Purolator from Foundation Distributing, shrink-wrapped on its own skid, mostly Eerdmans publications because there was a stupendous sale.
• 10ish other boxes from various other book distributors.
• 6 new online RSVPs confirming 20 more guests at our wedding.
• 3 music students.
• $25 “free” gift card from Co-op for buying $100+ in groceries.

• 2 plates of spaghetti and meat sauce for K & me.
• 2 hours of sitting on the couch and talking.
• 24 days until our wedding.

What are some of your numbers?

keep a list

She is like me: so many creative ideas, she hardly knows where to start!

When my cousin Kelly came to work on my wedding dress, she also brought samples of her newest business venture: caps. She makes welding caps, chef pill hats, and doo-rags.

This venture was birthed at last February’s Creative Women gathering: five women, including Kelly & me. At the time, Kelly was thinking hard about how to direct all her entrepreneurial and artistic energy. On Thursday, she reminded me about two nuggets of advice I had given:

     1. Add to an ongoing list every day for a month, and something will be there at the end.

     2. Find something you’re not emotionally attached to for your creative business.

So Kelly took my advice (!) and near the end of March, “Caps by Kelly” emerged, a division of “Kelly Mouse Closet”. She started sewing samples, sourcing materials and seeking customers.

Of course she has been dialoguing about it with her husband who both supports and challenges her. Other people, like Kelly’s mom, have taken a wait-and-see vantage, wondering if this will be another flash-in-the-pan idea. But when my aunt realized this was not just an idea but a serious business launch, she became a raving fan, eager to show samples to anyone who might want to buy some.

The business is still fledgling, but already Kelly has an account with a local college. One day I will post an interview with Kelly on my Creative Women blog (in process & parked here). 

heirlooms

Today my cousin Kelly came to work on my wedding dress.

She fixed the underskirt …

… that was a few inches too long, for some reason.

And she helped me feel connected

to family,

to the bigger story

of my imminent wedding and marriage.

 

I didn’t notice until cropping pictures for this post:

behind my dress

on the shelves in my future in-laws’ basement

are pictures of brides,

couples on their wedding days.

I belong here.

 

Yesterday Kelly said she kept seeing an image of me

upstairs in our Grandmother’s house,

sorting things.

 

I forgot to tell her about the song I’ll be singing

in church on December 19th:

HEIRLOOMS

(Bob Farrell, Brown Bannister, Amy Grant)

Up in the attic, down on my knees
Lifetimes of boxes, timeless to me
Letters and photographs yellowed with years
Some bringing laughter, some bringing tears

Time never changes the memories, the faces
Of loved ones, who bring to me
All that I come from
And all that I live for
And all that I'm going to be
My precious family
Is more than an heirloom to me

Wiseman and shepherds down on their knees
Bringing their treasures to lay at his feet
Who was this wonder baby yet king?
Living and dying, He gave life to me

Time never changes the memory
the moment His love first pierced through me
Telling all that I come from
And all that I live for
And all that I'm going to be
My precious savior
Is more than an heirloom to me

My precious Jesus Is more than an heirloom to me

Day 8 – never mind the wagon

Almost all my conversations are about the wedding. There’s nothing particularly new to report. Plans are moving along, step by step.

Basically, I’m living between three places until the wedding (my brother’s place, my in-laws, my fiance’s), so November was a stupid month to try the NaBloPoMo challenge. My friends will tell you that one of my greatest strengths is also a great weakness: I’m (overly) optimistic.

So never mind the band wagon. I’ll post when I can.

Day 7 – getting back on the wagon

All week I’ve been thinking about this blog and intentionally letting it slide. Blogging gurus say regular posting is critical to increased followership. Fair enough. But right now, I’m blogging to track my progress in business and in wedding plans.

Last week was full, full, full with meetings and transitions. I left my laptop at my fiancé's house most of the week in order to focus on the bookstore and packing to move. Living with my brother has been good, but we needed to cut my commuting time in the weeks leading up to the wedding, so as of Thursday I am staying in my future in-laws’ basement suite. Seems like a reasonable arrangement thus far. I really enjoy my future mother-in-law.

On Monday, Kathleen McMillan was in Calgary, tagging along with her husband Grant as he attended a conference. She used the two days to catch up on some admin work for Open Eyes Books and to visit with me. We spent Monday morning meeting at Phil & Sebastian Coffee in Marda Loop, where Kathleen had the best yogurt she’d ever tasted. We spread out our books and got down to business. In the process, two different people overheard our conversations and talked to us about it.

First there was Jen, the business coach, who works specifically with women entrepreneurs, helping them figure out how to make their businesses profitable. We each took one of her cards.

Then there was Chris(?), who is clearly proud and supportive of his wife, who was at the other end of the shop conducting a meeting. He gave us one of her cards and a complimentary copy of her book.

Aside from the significant headway that Kathleen and I made, these two conversations were extremely heartening for us, like affirmations that we’re on the right track.

Yesterday was a wedding shopping day: men’s suits from Moores and ideas for “intelligent storage solutions” from IKEA.

Today, a meeting with the two women who will oversee our wedding catering. That’s a HUGE piece to get into place and I came away tired but satisfied with our progress..

And now, to sleep, perchance to dream.

Day 6 – Singleness and Marriage

Today it’s 54 days until our wedding. Fifty-four more good-byes at the end of the day (give or take a few). Fifty-four more nights of sleeping alone.

¹⁸ The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

¹⁹ Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. ²⁰ So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.

   But for Adam^[f] no suitable helper was found. ²¹ So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs^[g] and then closed up the place with flesh. ²² Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib^[h] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

Genesis 2:18-22

K and I had a pre-marital counseling session with our pastor today. Last time we met, Pastor Mel gave us questionnaires to fill out individually. Today we reviewed them and Pastor Mel was most encouraging. He flagged a couple of areas that we might want to talk about with each other and, possibly, with a qualified third party, but for the most part he affirmed our thoughtfulness and our suitedness and at the end of the meeting he blessed us and that appears to be that. Two sessions and we’re off!

I suspect if we had more serious issues he would have worked longer with us or been more urgent in recommending that we see another counselor. We do need to start meeting with our officiating pastor, and I have a feeling he will draw out some of these conversations.

View Full Album

So K and I are leaving singleness and entering weddedness. A year and a half ago, I front-loaded our relationship with difficult questions and intense emotional work. I didn’t want any surprises. I wanted to be sure of K. There was some wisdom in that approach—and, unfortunately, too much fear. After so many years of wondering if I was destined to be single and/or childless, I marvel that marriage is on my doorstep.

I never want to forget what it was like to be single for so long, with all of the emotional, social, relational, spiritual complexity. I know that marriage means trading one set of complexities for another, but I never want my coupled state to eclipse my awareness that it is difficult to be alone.

In an interview about his new book, Redeeming Singleness, Barry Danylak explains,

Paul is not contradicting Genesis—that is he is not say that it is good to be alone. Paul does not envision a life of singleness that is a life lived in isolation, but a life lived in close community and fellowship with the new family of God in Christ.

There is a difference between being lonely and being alone. Being alone can be a healthy state of solitude. Being lonely can happen even in a crowd—the sense of being disconnected, unseen, unsupported, unwanted. Aloneness needs no cure. Loneliness needs gentle care. “God sets the lonely in families,” the psalmist writes (Psalm 68:6).

K and I talk a lot about our home. We share a love for hospitality. Already, with his daughter and his cousin living there, we are and will be a blended family, and we love to include more. Lauren Winner resonates with this:

One of the many experiences America has privatized is marriage; we believe that marriage is something given to two people for their companionship, fulfillment, happiness, and perhaps for the rearing of children. While companionship, kids, et cetera, are clearly part of marriage, in the Christian landscape I think we have to see that marriage is not given exclusively, or even primarily, to the couple. (And insofar as it is given to them, it is for their transformation, not their fulfillment.) It is given to the community, the church, to be a sign to the community of God’s relentless faithfulness. Other people’s marriages instruct me in what faithfulness looks like.

Our marriage is not to be for ourselves, for our own pleasure and healing. It is to be for others, from Christ and to him and through him. We love because Christ first loved us. We love each other and we love others because of Christ. 

 

Day 5 – The problem with NaBloPoMo

The problem with trying to blog every day for a month is that sometimes you write things in a hurry and don’t re-read them and they don’t hang together very well: like yesterday’s post.

Nothing profound to (try to) report today. Had lots of important conversations yesterday and will have more today:

View Full Album

:: I love talking up some of the new books that are in or coming into Ambrose Bookstore. Four from yesterday include Redeeming Singleness (mentioned yesterday), A. B. Simpson and the Pentecostal Movement by Ambrose professor Charles Nienkirchen, The Next Christendom by Philip Jenkins, and Forgotten Voices by Barbara L. Howe.

:: Spent a couple of hours going through wedding checklists with K’s parents, especially budget considerations. Not always “fun” but important, with some entertaining moments.

:: Organizing the food catering team for our wedding.

:: Launching Samantha’s First Story at 10:30 this morning at Monkey Shines in Calgary’s Marda Loop.

:: Doing a pre-marital counseling session with K & Pastor Mel this afternoon.

:: Getting ready to spend some time with Kathleen McMillan on Monday morning and evening.

There’s an awful lot to do … but it’s good, it’s very good.

Day 4 – How to be Married

So I’m getting married. It’s the way of the world. People get divorced and they still try marriage (or at least relationship) again.

At 42 (I don’t mind telling you) I am approaching marriage for the first time. This will be my fiance’s second marriage. He is 37 and not the same man he was before, so this time his approach is radically different. Not just because he is more grown up or merely because he has learned a few things, but because he has been transformed by the gospel. He became a Christian after his divorce (through an Alpha course at our current church). He took a DivorceCare course and spent several years “waiting at the line of reconciliation,” being an attentive father, and basically learning to be faithful. After wind knocked him off a roof and out of the work force, he spend long days reading the Bible and theology. He has no formal education to speak of, but he is one of the most well-read men I have met. I have two masters degrees, and he constantly surprises, challenges and delights me with his insights.

My fiance’s perspective on marriage in light of Ephesians 5 refreshes, delights, inspires, and chastises me. Our courtship was long and he was so careful. Since he placed the symbol of his intent on my finger, I have been astounded and healed by his grace-filled care for me, but this not of himself, but from Christ through the Holy Spirit of God. He often laments that so much Christian writing on marriage (or anything) is just “therapeutic moralistic deism”: good ideas salted with Bible verses, but really no better than any person’s best ideas, and those ideas might make things “work” better, but ultimately they give us more things to do, placing burdens on our shoulders, not really freeing us from or for anything. So the Ephesians 5 call to a man to sacrificially give himself up for his wife is just a burden unless he stays in Christ (and in so doing to love his wife as Christ loved the church) and realizes that he can only love his wife (or anyone) because Christ has loved him first. A profound mystery.

Because of this, I am eager to share a new book with Kevin: Redeeming Singleness by Barry Danylak. Barry dropped it off at Ambrose Bookstore earlier this week.

 

Day 3 - did I say every day?

Quotidian challenge of NaBloPoMo. Every day. Did I really say I would write every single day for a month? And this just two months before my wedding? Hmmm. Must be certifiably insane.

Went to High River with my future in-laws yesterday to check out venues. We toured Highwood Memorial Centre and the Full Gospel church and booked both of them for Kevin’s and my wedding. Now am wrestling with invitations. Good grief. My wedding is 1.75 months away and we’ve barely started formally inviting people. Even so, we HAVE been spreading the word.

This afternoon I was longed to be a student again when someone invited me to supper with Rudy Wiebe. Alas, I could not go, but I got in on his lecture at Ambrose University College this evening, then sold several of his books afterwards. Got him to sign a few for me, too, and had the nicest little chat with him. Wish it could have been longer. During the lecture and the Q&A I thought of all kinds of brilliant things to blog about, but they have flown from my mind.

My calendar has just beeped at me to take my turn praying for Zac, a boy from our church who is having major surgery today. So I’ll publish this and do that …

Day 2 – I said yes

Today's NaBloPoMo writing prompt: Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you?

Kevin and I spent two weekends looking for rings. We found my wedding ring right away, a beautiful, elfin design that delighted both of us, but the engagement ring was more difficult because our tastes are quite different. I wanted a ring that we both loved and learned to watch his expressions: the blank look, the obvious frown, the pleased little smile. He bought this one on the spot.
As much as he wished I could wear it immediately, he wanted to ask my father's blessing first, so we waited a week until Thanksgiving (Canadian). On Saturday afternoon he went for a walk with Dad, and later that evening he went for a walk with me. He put his arm around my should and said, "I'm really looking forward to marrying you."

We found a secluded picnic table. He set the box on it and we sat facing each other on the same side."I don't really know the words," he told me, "but I want you to be my wife."

"I want to be your wife," I responded.

"May I put this symbol of my intent on your finger?" he asked.

Guess what I said ... :)

NaBloPoMo anyone? OR Blogs & online dating

I thought it was something post-modern when I saw it on Rebekah Joy Plett’s blog. You know: pomo. And maybe it is a pomo thing to do, but that’s not what NaBloPoMo means; it’s National Blog Posting Month, “the epicenter of daily blogging! People who want to set the habit of blogging by doing it every day for a month, including weekends, can come here for moral support, inspiration, and the camaraderie that only marathon blogging can provide.”

Why not? I get on and off the blogging bandwagon. Of course, when I’m off it’s because I feel like I’ve nothing to say. Or because I’ve got a lot going on in the depths of my being and am holding my cards close to my chest or am treasuring wonders in my heart, much like Mary in the early years of Jesus’ life (Luke 2:19 & 51)

I have two significant blogs: this one and Siretona Creative. Because of the two conversations theme, this is the obvious blog for the NaBloPoMo challenge. However, I hope it spins off to Siretona, because there are so many creative women (and men) you need to know about, and because I want to blog more regularly over there.

In the next two months and beyond, you can expect a lot of conversations about my upcoming wedding. That’s right: WEDDING. Something I wasn’t sure would ever happen (see Rambling Thoughts Towards a Book Review). But lo, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, the internet linked me with my knight in shining Chevy.

 

Online dating was a horrific experience, let me tell you. For about 4 years I subjected myself to it through Christian Cafe, a fair enough site with helpful guidelines and controls built in. I got involved with one guy for about 3 years through it, but he wasn’t right at all. (Don’t ask me why it lasted so long—I still puzzle over that. Mom says, “He spoke your language.” Sure.) Then there were the illiterates: the guys who would send inane messages and questions that could have easily been answered if they had read my profile. That’s why it was there: to be read and to jump-start conversations. Sometimes the filtering process was easier than others.

At one point, my brother Jeffrey forbade me to go on that site anymore. “But,'” I wailed, “they keep sending me three free days!” That’s when Jeffrey washed his hands of the mess. But then Kevin sent me the nicest note to encourage me and he included details that indicated he had read my profile. He didn’t expect it to go anywhere: he was in Calgary and my nearest city was Regina. But then I had a trip to Calgary so suggested we connect, which we did: four hours on a Friday night during which he talked my ear off, mostly about theology. At the end I asked, “Are things always this heady and intense in your world?” He replied, “Only when I’m having a good time.” I took it as a compliment.

We started corresponding and very soon he started calling, then I had a long stop in the Calgary airport, so he came for coffee and it was clear he was interested. Then he wanted to come see me and drove all night to spend a weekend in June with me at my brother’s place. We held hands. It was official.

I went to Calgary in July (5 days), he came to Sask in July (10 days), he came to Sask in August (2 days), I went to Calgary in September (4 days) and October (4 days) and suddenly it became clear that I needed to move to see if this would actually work. So on November 14th I packed my Crown Victoria and drove all night to Calgary.

It was a long, dark, difficult winter, yet it was important. The relationship did more than survive, so here we are, engaged to be married on December 30th. I love that man.

Aside from an accident and traffic tickets, lack of employment and income, feeling completely uprooted and dangling, I have chiefly wrestled with identity questions: who am I? what’s essential to fight for and what must I relinquish—or be prepared to relinquish? I knew those thoughts might make great blog posts, but I couldn’t tell the web about them just yet: the struggle was too painful, and I wanted to know which way the relationship would go before saying anything, wanted to protect Kevin. But now I can tell the world!

conversations that really matter

This blog was started to track conversations about business, but some exchanges eclipse any commercial interaction.

On Sunday morning I sat beside a child in church.

Her dad was teaching Sunday School. Since she has outgrown her dad's class, he wants her to sit in the main service and learn to take notes. So side-by-side we wrote. Her inscriptions were sparse. When I turned my paper to the second side, the child marveled, "You're like my dad! How can you take so many notes?"

"We listen for the things that are interesting to us," I explained. "And we try to follow the preacher's outline and get his main points. More important, we listen for what's meaningful and write that down."

Her notes got thicker, more interesting, and more meaningful. The preacher is new to our congregations, so his sermon began autobiographically ("there is nothing good about me except for Jesus Christ"), and moved into preparing us for communion.

"What is it that commends me to this table?" the preacher asked, and the child wrote that down. "My sin," the preacher answered, and the child wrote that down. "Christ came not to save the righteous but sinners," he continued, and the child wrote it down. Later she observed to her dad, "He was talking about justification." She got the point.

We can never be good enough. Some people examine themselves and, finding themselves wanting, bypass the bread and wine (or juice). At the same time, our preacher noted, we can never be good enough. Communion is not about tallying our badness to bar us from eating nor tallying our goodness to earn the right to eat: it is about coming before our Saviour and receiving his gift of salvation. "Is there anything God can't do?" asked the preacher. "Yes: God cannot see my sin when it is covered by the blood of Jesus."

So communion followed, and the child bypassed the bread, telling me, "I don't know if I'm allowed." I called the usher back to serve her. She took a piece of bread and I inquired, "Are you a sinner in need of a Saviour?" She nodded with a look of wonder. I replied, "Then you're allowed." She smiled, relieved.

I know that training in religion can be controversial, that some biological parents are even reticent to 'indoctrinate' their own children. But all adults who associate with children have a hand in training the young, whether explicitly or implicitly. Why not train intentionally rather than haphazardly? We can do it without imposing. We can invite without forcing. We can encourage with certain spiritual disciplines without damaging. We can offer the truth (as we understand it), in hopes that the child will grow to a reflective adult who chooses and responds well and discerns what really is truth and what is not.

This is the real work that matters: to train children in ways they should go. And Sunday morning was one such rich moment for me.

Hear, O Israel: the LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. (Deuteronomy 6:4-9)

sharpening, polishing, naming

AN EMAIL

August 27, 2010

Dearest Colleen

A couple of weeks ago I was cleaning up and I found a series of old notes between you and I from way back in our Briercrest days.* You sent me a poem by Madeleine L’Engle poem (or is it Luci Shaw?) where it mentions her friend polishing her silver? It is a poem celebrating their friendship and work together  I have always thought of it as a gentler feminine version of the Bible's as "iron sharpens iron."  In my note back to you I said, "thank you for polishing my silver." And I thank you again.

much much blessing be upon you,

Kathleen

*About 6 years ago.

 

A POEM

(found in Friends for the Journey by Madeleine L’Engle and Luci Shaw)

Madeleine’s Candlesticks

by Luci Shaw

Zabar’s, a New York Saturday morning, I bought

a box of rosy pillar candles, stacked

like quadruplets in the womb, for her four

 

silver candlesticks which stand, flanking

the orange tulips at table center, tall

and elegant as Madeleine herself. Flames

 

have danced their highlights on the

visiting faces around the oval table ever since

the sterling quartet was willed to her.

 

Every visit I search the kitchen for

the soft cotton rags and the clay-colored polish

(a favor; her maid “doesn’t do silver”).

 

One afternoon, buffing away, I noticed her name,

misspelled “Madeleine,” etched dark and faint

along one elliptical base. I knew then I was polishing

 

not just her treasures but my friend, burnishing

with the well-worn cloth of friendship her silver

self, lifting the light tarnish of time and wear.

 

Like my shining her words into their

places in her books; like her lighting

blooms of fire in a thousand shadowed minds.

 

THREE NAMES

I first knew as Kathleen as Kathy in the fall of 1998. Everyone knew her as Kathy. She grew up answering to Kathy. But during the time I knew her at Briercrest, she experienced a beautiful transformation that was both visible (her appearance) and invisible (her spirit). She went from sweet and smart, to graceful and wise. With the transformation, she wanted to start using her full name, Kathleen. She had already borne and was homeschooling three children, she ran a home business, managed her household competently and creatively, was completing a BA, and more, yet the choice to go from Kathy to Kathleen seemed to signal a shift from girl to woman. Loving it, I was among the first to call her Kathleen. It’s always a surprise to hear people call her anything else.

My friend Judith did the same. She grew up as Judy. She married, made a home, mothered two daughters, and was close to becoming a grandmother when she realized she had outgrown Judy and had grown into her full name, Judith: a decisive, mature, and comforting name.

Then there’s Eden whose name used to be Edith. Edith is a respectable name, somehow matronly, but Eden signifies new and fruitful life, rich and welcoming. This is Eden . Since changing her name, she has been ordained as a pastor in her church and her husband says both the name and the role fit her perfectly.

collecting votes

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Proverbs 15:22

Last week my friend Michelle came to visit. We laughed. A lot. We had deep conversations. She spent about 7 hours on Wednesday helping me rearrange the Ambrose Bookstore (before & after).

 

She challenged me in several areas. One question was, “What does a settled Colleen look like?” She thought I was particularly settled and peaceful in Duval/Strasbourg. What was the difference between those two years and other life seasons?

“I gave myself,” I replied. “I had nowhere else  to go, and nowhere else I wanted to go.”

This seemed key.

I also talked with our friend Dale. She had slightly different opinions from Michelle.

Then I got an email from Judith. We discussed these things back and forth. She reminded me that it’s not about giving myself to a place or a person or a task, but it’s first about giving myself to God.

Epiphany: too often I pretend to seek counsel when really I’m polling my friends and collecting votes on my decisions. I don’t trust my inner compass. I forget to give myself to God and trust him with to provide guidance and peace. The most important conversation of all.

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6

you would think ...

... that I haven't been having conversations in the last two months, or at least that they're not related to vision and goals. But I have. And it has often been hard work. I've been experiencing a bit of a cocooning process. In fact, if it were easy to find a butterfly background, I would have used it, cliches aside!

I have been wrestling with the question, "Do you really want to build a business?" And the best answers I can come up with are along the lines of I think so and I'm pretty sure. Not convincing.

I do want to write and edit.
I do want to empower women.
I do want to work in the arts.
I do want to influence community building.
I do want to help strengthen intergenerational bonds and see nations set free.
But how? Through business?

Wrestling.

Reading a wide range of blogs like these

• E-Myth
• MPowered Marketing
• Artists Who Thrive
  
• Theology and the Artistic Impulse
• A Holy Experience
• Small Tall Musings
• Rebekah Joy Plett
  

These are all blogs that touch on at least one of my interests: the arts, business, women. Occasionally I post comments on some of them. Even just the reading and pondering is a conversation, an internal dialogue.

Of course, I've been talking to Kathleen McMillan because, business or no business, we are developing a product line: www.openeyes.ca.

And I've got a new job as Bookstore Manager at Ambrose University College. It's half-time. I've been working full-time on reception for the summer, a wonderful way to get to know people in the institution. It's been such a relief to have work like this and I'm thrilled to be back in an academic context. But I'm also relieved to be done reception as of last Friday, to focus on the bookstore for 20 hours a week (give or take) and to catch up on other projects that languished in the past two months.

vocation

What is this unshakable sense of purpose—an unknown, yet compelling path I must walk, something that goes beyond a day job, beyond earning money? 

He says, “It’s okay to have a vocation.”

I say, “I don’t think we’re using the same definition. When I say vocation I mean calling. When you say vocation you mean occupation.”

He says, “That’s right. Now you mean what I mean.”

I snap, “No, I do not.”

My path is not something he ever imagined intersecting with his path, let alone running parallel. I know what my vocation has been. But what should it be from this point forward? We are both mystified and frustrated by the questions. Meantime, we both keep walking and wondering, praying and pondering. We keep talking.

And I sing and write. My blogs haven’t prove that lately, but I have been singing and writing. These tasks are at the heart of my calling.

I am a poetess

And one day I will take my place

Among the grandmothers and wise women

I am a poetess

Between the silences

I hear stories and find the words to speak.

Listen to “Poetess” here.

 

Last week I sang this song in Thursday’s main session at Write! Canada. The next morning (Friday) I led my colleagues in worship. The previous evening (Wednesday, left) I sang “Child of My Heart” at the Canadian Christian Writing Awards. And our MC, Herbie Kuhn (announcer for the Toronto Raptors), could hardly speak afterwards, said he had expected to feel a lot of emotions that evening, but had not expected to be moved to tears. As an adoptive father, he felt like he could have written many of those words. He nearly broke down weeping, had a hard time regaining control. A surprise. An honour. 

With dreams for this song—possibly God-given dreams—I spoke freely all week about my ideas to develop a resource package for crisis pregnancy centres to use in fundraising and education. Now it’s time for market research.

Two of the song’s biggest fans were in the audience: Kathleen and Hannah Busch. They are the original inspiration for the song’s title.Kathleen took Hannah into her home two years ago and was finally able to adopt her a few months ago. They played “Child of My Heart” at a special adoption blessing service in October. Hannah has the CD and often falls asleep listening to it. She knows all the words. They live in BC, but just happened to be traveling in Ontario last week. Co-incidence. Seems like a God-incidence to me.

I am a poetess—singer-songwriter, storyteller, writer, editor, someone who takes care of stories. I have come home from Write! Canada with a collection of stories gleaned from conversations. Let me begin to tell …

setting up systems

Conversation #1: Kathleen McMillan

We are at a crossroads with Open Eyes Books. What exactly is our relationship to one another and to the project/business? What systems do we need to put in place to establish the business solidly and ensure clarity and success as we move forward—especially before printing any more books. We talked about where Open Eyes Books sits on the E-Myth business cycle: http://www.e-myth.com/cs/user/print/post/the-small-business-cycle

Conversation #2: E-Myth Experience

Kathleen & I participated in a conference call today. Sure it was a bit of a sales pitch, but I felt it would be really important for Kathleen and I in getting on the same page, asking the same questions about pursuing this business and moving ahead.

Conversation #3: Bill Higgins

Bill is an E-Myth Program Advisor who contacted me yesterady, almost immediately after I had filled out a form to gain access to E-Myth’s resources page. Today we had another call, this one to chat with Kathleen and I together—and serendipitously with Kathleen’s husband who had come home because the power was out at his work.

We aren’t convinced that we should invest in this kind of coaching just yet, but it was, as I had hoped, helpful in giving us common language.

I plan to either borrow their key book from the library or buy it. Either way, I need to read it and I

Conversation #4: Mark Donnelly

A few weeks ago Mark and I met on Facebook through a discussion on someone else’s page. After some SSP (shameless self-promotion) both ways, Mark ordered a copy of BlueBeary online. Today he sent me this message:

Hi Colleen, the Bluebeary book came yesterday. Wow! The calligraphy and the note were an amazing touch! I don't think I've ever received any mail with lettering like that other than an occasional wedding invitation. And, both kids were engaged before I even started reading it (they loved the cover). The only problem is that they keep wanting me to count the blueberries on the cover. :) Dangit, who put so many?!? LOL

Anyway, just wanted to let you know we got it and we love it. Thanks!!

Mark

Of course it was Rebekah Joy Plett who put all those blueberries on the cover. There weren’t so many at first, but Rebekah realized that with less she had effectively beheaded the bear!

Silent No More – Women for Life International

CONVERSATION #1:

I have some ideas for the song Child of my Heart, besides singing at The Word Guild 2010 Writing Awards. But I can’t accomplish them alone. So, believing that at least some of these ideas are God-given idea, I’m starting to send out emails and make phone calls.

Today’s conversation was with Denise Mountenay. Denise is the founder and president of Canada Silent No More and co-founder/director of Women for Life International. We probably talked about 10 minutes, but there was a powerful connection. I followed with an email that details the song’s background and ideas for development.

Denise directed me to find these videos.

I had found Denise’s number on the Canada Silent No More site and called before knowing about her involvement with Women for Life International. In this we have a huge common interest. Last week I was given the May 4th, 2010 edition of The Economist and was saddened and emboldened by two stories: “The worldwide war on baby girls” (cover), and “Sobs on the night breeze” (review of Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother: Stories of Loss and Love by Xinran).

‘The core of “Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother” is the individual stories of women who have lost their daughters. One would have to have a heart of stone not to be moved by them.’

There is local work to be done. There is international work to be done. There is work to be done, but not in our own strength or by our own means.

Guide us, O Thou Great Jehovah, pilgrims through this barren land.

We are weak, but You are mighty, guide us with Your powerful hand …

Strong deliverer, strong deliverer,

Be Thou still my strength and shield;

Be Thou still my strength and shield.

CONVERSATION #2:

McKenzie Towne School hosted me several weeks ago and then hosted Kathleen and I more recently. They’re using BlueBeary books as a fundraiser for their library. I called and emailed to see where they’re at and how much longer they want to go.

adjusting the rules

I need to rework the rules for this blog a bit. So first a preamble about rules:

The rules need to be realistic to serve me and my business, rather than obligating me to serve the blog and setting me up for failure if I don't keep my own rules! The guidelines for this blog are NOT the key metrics for my business. This blog is a mirror for demonstrating some of my business activities and progress, not a benchmark. This blog was really more of an interesting idea than a necessary function of business. The blog needs to be more than a list of names and topics—it is to be a reflective tool. If I'm too busy having conversations to put up a daily post, then the blog must take lower priority. However, the blog is helpful for accountability, so if I'm too busy having conversations to put up a weekly reflective post, I probably need to rearrange my schedule a bit.

Original Rules

1. Have two conversations five days a week about what I'm doing and/or why I'm doing it.

2. Email counts, though phone is better and in-person is best.

3. Report those conversations here, with one post for every two conversations or so.

4. As appropriate, provide names, links, contact info, pictures, etc.

5. Have fun building a business through being a Connector (as per Malcolm Gladwell).

6. Periodically reflect on the significance of these conversations.

Adjusted Rules

1. Average two conversations five days a week about what I'm doing and/or why I'm doing it.

2. Email counts, though phone is better and in-person is best.

3. Enjoy building a business through being a Connector (as per Malcolm Gladwell).

4. Report some of those conversations here. Try to report weekly or more—e.g. by Thursday or Friday as the business week is winding down, or Monday/Tuesday after a weekend of touring or conferencing.

5. Reflect on the significance of these conversations.

6. As appropriate, provide names, links, contact info, pictures, etc.

sidetracked or tracking?

CONVERSATION #1: Kevin

Kevin and I have been talking about how I invest my time and energy and whether the things I do fit my purpose as well as accomplishing my income goals.

CONVERSATION #2: Myself

This afternoon I sat down to ponder some questions that came to my inbox this morning from Think TQ:

Are You Constantly Sidetracked?

Short-term goals are likely to be interrupted by unexpected developments. Staying focused on your destination and flexible with your plans will help you overcome demoralizing sidetracks.
"In the long run men hit only what they aim at." – Thoreau

Today's Quest...
Answer Honestly:

Where are you now, in relation to your destination? _________________________________

What roadblocks loom between where you are right now and your destination? _________________________________

What adjustments can you make in the next 2 weeks to bring you closer to your target? _________________________________

My purpose is empowering women in the arts to build community among generations and nations. I'm starting to get there, but still need to make some adjustments.

CONVERSATION #3: tutoring client & director

I realized that tutoring is something that sidetracks me. When I first arrived in Calgary, it was a gift to have a few tutoring students, but at this point it’s no longer a good exchange of time and money.

With the resulting renewed clarity, I immediately dropped one of my three families, because their daughter is an unmotivated junior high girl who told her mom in front of me that she doesn't need a tutor. Rude? Uh, yeah. It was draining my energy and the money was less than worth it — especially after mileage, travel time, some prep, and frequent cancellations on both sides. She thinks she doesn't need a tutor. I KNOW I don't need a commitment like that.

But the two biggest factors are:

1. Tutoring, especially a student who doesn't really want me there , does NOT feed into my purpose of empowering women in the arts to build community that strengthens intergenerational bonds with international reach.

2. Tutoring is a non-leveraged, nearly static activity. I have so many other things to do and this ties me up too much. There’s an important place for one-on-one, but I’m not the one to fill that gap.

So I called the director of my tutoring program and told her that I’m finished with that family as of today and will carry the other two families just until the end of June.

CONVERSATION #3: preschool director, staff & students

By comparison, today's preschoolers gave me all the positive reinforcement I could want for days to come (they were SO excited!!!). I had such a nice connection with the director and her two staff members, with a strong sense that I was (a) giving them a helpful break and (b) empowering them in their educational mission with the children and their parents. AND for each of four 30-45 minute presentations, this gig pays me double and triple what I get in an hour of tutoring, plus providing exposure to nearly 100 kids & their families, leading to book sales through the website and bookstores in the city, plus more bookings — potentially a monthly gig at this preschool in the new school year.

So I'm grabbing my purpose and getting more firmly on track!

wish I had you here …

Sometimes our conversations have a wider impact that we could not have imagined or intended. For example, my song ‘Incidentally.’* One conversation at summer camp in the late 1980s led to a long-time friendship with Lisa. In 1992 ‘Incidentally’ was prompted by a very sad letter from her. As I began to sing it in public, other people resonated with it—to the point of weeping and sometimes even ‘claiming’ it as their own. That was a strange transition for both Lisa and I—to realize that a private exchange had become publically important and that neither of us ‘owned’ the song anymore. It’s still “for Lisa”—and now it’s for with anyone else who has ever felt this way.

In February, my friend Sherry had a similar experience with this song:

It has been a long day. As I am writing this I am listening to “Incidentally” and man this should be my theme song right now. It would so be my mom's song with me. She always knew what to say when I was having a hard day. The words to the song really speak to my soul tonight. For the most part I have been doing well, but I am still struggling with some things. The line about not knowing how to trust Jesus... I love the question, “what do I do when he doesn't seem to hear?” cause that is where I feel like I am tonight.

Because of the things that are going on I am tired of living on the outside and tired of hurting. But the line "that’s why I am so glad I have you, you’re someone I can talk to, I know you understand but you’re so far away, and I wish you were here to hold my hand" means a lot to me because I do wish my mom was here to hold my hand through this time.

People tell me I am a lot like my mom in my faith, and how I go through dry seasons, but I also know that no matter what Jesus will be there. My mom used to hold my hand when I was little, and Jesus has held my hand since I was created.

Anyway thanks again for sharing the music God gives you. It heals through tears, and this song is helping healing my heart from a lot of wounds, and helping me through today. (used with permission)

   

So Sherry started sharing ‘Incidentally’ with people around her: friends, colleagues, students. Sherry works as an educational assistant in a private school Here are some responses from high school students:

Christine: The song made me feel sad and peaceful at the same time. It is a very touching song and thought that there was desperation for God.
Samantha: It’s about a girl who is tired of her masks! She has someone to talk to but they are far away. Makes me feel lonely, scared but hopeful too.
Carly: Feel I could fall asleep to this song at night, Love the piano in it. Made my heart feel better.
Jon: Feel happy and want to take more time to talk to Jesus. Was blessed by the song.

Sherry added, “Colleen I hope this encourages your heart. I wish you could have seen the kids faces...I could tell their hearts were blessed. It made the teacher cry.”

You just never know where one conversation will lead: to a friendship, a song, and many, many blessings.

 

* ‘Incidentally’ was originally recorded on the album Good Storyline and re-released on the EP Prairie Soul. You can listen to ‘Incidentally’ and purchase the digital download or the CD at www.colleenanddara.com.

work, work, work, fun, fun, fun

“This is going to be fun!” declared little Isabella.

Some conversations lead to paid work, others lead to clarification. I’ve been tutoring with Tutor Doctor Calgary, and they recently advertised for an educational consultant/office assistant. So yesterday I chatted about the possibilities with Ollie and realized that the consulting work would be more of what I’m doing with the books and music: sales, bookings, customer care, etc. If I’m going to take another job, I’d like it to be something more predictable, something where I basically show up and do what someone asks me to do—and something more cohesive and stable than tutoring, which involves going from house to house. I like the Tutor Doctor philosophy of house calls, but I can’t commit to more of it right now. That said, I will probably contract to give them some admin support in the near future.

As long as I’m freelancing and networking, instead of learning a new system, I will keep growing with what I know: the books and music.

That said, I have found some work that I can (mostly) just show up for: teaching music for Keys to Music. Isabella is one of my new students and she’s right: this is going to will be fun!

 

p.s. Karen Greenstreet says self-employment is “the best lifestyle I know.” Then she qualifies that statement: “But it is hard work, plain and simple.” It’s The Hardest Way to Make Easy Money.

oops – find my lizard brain

I’ve been using Windows Live Writer, a wonderful centralizing tool for blog management. Unfortunately, sometimes I don’t notice which blog I’m actually posting to. Until today I always figured it out before clicking “Publish.” So, the newest 2 Conversations post accidentally went to the Siretona blog: http://siretona.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-lizard-brain.html. Enjoy!

#1. Stop crying

Today I met my new debt counselor: Tina the Accountess.

The first thing she did was hug me. Instantly I felt good about our meeting and all we had done was buy coffee!

The first thing I told her is that my first financial goal is to stop crying every time I talk about money. She smiled and assured me that this will come.

My second goal is actually two in tandem: establish a stable base income and get out of debt.

Third: continue building my business of empowering women in the arts, in which the primary project that drives the economic engine is the children’s books. In the meantime, to accomplish goal 2, I need a part-time job.

We had the most wonderful, helpful conversation ever and I came out relieved and energized on soooo many fronts. She told me more than once that she likes my website and that I have great potential. She proposed a barter, exchanging services: she'll help me financially if I help her write monthly newsletters, edit her blog, and breathe life into the copy on her new website. DEAL. That was easy.

She's giving me homework and I'm so excited to dig into it.

Tina is part of my new trio of business mentors, who I blogged about yesterday.

My biggest feelings at the end of the day include relief, joy, and courage. Thank you, Tina!

For the record: I had two other significant conversations today, with Anna in the morning and with Kevin in the evening. In saying good-bye to Anna I noted, “I should probably take Kleenex to my meeting with the Accountess.” Anna quipped, “If she works with women and money, she probably has Kleenex.” Sure enough, not only did Tina have tissue, she claims it as a business expense!

Mindset, Marketing & Money … and Mentors

I  have been longing for mentoring in business. I have mentors in the areas of spiritual life, education, writing, but need a stronger connection with women who understand business and know how to achieve work-life balance—contemporary Proverbs 31 women. I want mentors—even a whole community—who know when to protectively tuck me under her wing and when to swiftly kick me out of the nest.

I think I found them.

Today’s first major conversation involved a variety of women via a conference call to introduce a new training series by Kim Page Gluckie of MPowered Marketing, Stephanie Pollock of Inspired Coaching, and Tina Pratt of The Accountess.

The call and the website do a great job of introducing the series, so I won’t outline it here. What I will do is tell you how these ladies have helped me so far.

#1. When I moved to Calgary mid-November, my first goal was closer proximity to my boyfriend Kevin. The long distance relationship thing was killing us. Check. I found a room to rent just 5 minutes from him.

#2. My second (and overarching) goal was to clarify and establish my business in order to make a living. Check-ish. I’ve got lots of streams for generating revenue: books (Martha, BlueBeary) and CDs to sell, workshops to present, concerts to perform, and more.

But transition is never easy, especially with a car accident (Dec 6th), with unsuccessful attempts to find part-time work that supplement the self-employment. Stressful. Without good coverage on the bottom line, I would swing wildly between highly motivated to get bookings and sales or deeply depressed and exhausted from lifting a ton of feathers. Some days, if it wasn’t for chiropractic and massage appointments (thank you SGI) or going to see Kevin, I don’t know when I would have left the house! 

Enter Kim Page Gluckie.

Before moving to Calgary, I searched online for resources and events to help with Goal #2. I must have used search words like “women” and “entrepreneurs” and “calgary” and “se”. Somehow, MPowered Marketing surfaced. So I took Kim’s online survey and registered for her November 18th event: “Time & Money Are Limited Resources: Make marketing choices that save both!” That event energized me so much! I stayed to help Kim clean up and we had a good chat.

A few days later I went to Vancouver to work with Kathleen McMillan on BlueBeary and Open Eyes Books, eager to be serious about our business.

From Kim I learned about Stephanie Pollock, so took advantage of her free half-hour consultation, during which we especially talked about overcoming my “fear of the ask.”

From these ladies I’ve gleaned valuable Information through their blog posts and resource links on their websites.

Through Kim’s MPowered Marketing and Stephanie’s Inspired Coaching I’ve started developing community with other women/mom entrepreneurs through in-person contacts and social networking like Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

The special guest at the December 16th workshop was Paula McGarrigle, author of A Baby Guide to Calgary. I just knew I should be there. Again, I was inspired, and we had opportunity to pitch our business & products. I also got a kick in the butt from Paula, who was impressed with BlueBeary and asked, “Are you in Monkey Shines?” (a local children’s bookstore). “No,” I said, “I’ve only been in the city for a month.” Paul replied, “That’s no excuse.” And she was right. BlueBeary was in Monkey Shines AND in Owl’s Nest by the end of the week.

And I got to meet Stephanie Pollock in person that night. I also got to meet Tina Pratt aka The Accountess. Score.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Tina to talk about finances. 

By Sunday midnight I will claim my $300 discount and register for one of the 7 Series …

Here we go!