living the housewifely dream

On Saturday morning we slept in. Then, while Kevin prepared to teach our Bible study,

I launched into being the good little housewife.

I prepared breakfast.

I washed dishes.

I cleaned the bathroom.

 

I prepared a grocery list.

I swept the floor.

I mopped the floor.

And somewhere in the  middle of it all, I started to feel underappreciated.

I didn’t want to be doing housework.

I wanted to be studying, too. I have entrepreneurial desires and some new business books and wanted to launch into those.

My insides felt grumbly.

In addition to cleaning, I was overseeing my step-daughter in studying, then cleaning her room, then editing pictures of herself and her friends from our wedding on my computer. My husband was occasionally reading aloud to me, trying to involve me in his interests. He was sweet and eager, but I was distracted and disgruntled. “You study so much!” I complained.

Somewhere along the hours—perhaps during my pause to shower—I realized a few things:

1. I am living my dream—one of them anyhow. Long have I dreamed of having a husband and family to live with and care for. So house cleaning is part of that dream. Other dreams must wait their turn—or even be released. I knew that and wrestled with it before I married, but knowing something and living it are quite different.

2. My husband has been a single-parent for many years and he has also waited a long time for a wife. Early in our courtship we read His Needs, Her Needs and he admitted a high need for domestic support. He is an able cook and wants to be on the roster for making meals, but dishes, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, laundry, etc., defeat him. He is relieved to give those tasks over to his wife. I have had a couple of decades to study: a bachelor’s degree, two masters degrees, a certificate in teaching English as a foreign language, many years of working in education. He is self-taught and I think he’s brilliant. He would love to go to school: that’s one of the first things he admired about me when we started corresponding. He’s an excellent worker and provider. Why would I begrudge him time to study? It’s his turn.

3. I am just selfish. Kevin often says “marriage is mortification of the flesh.” For sure, I am being mortified!

Wretched [wo]man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. (Romans 7:24-8:1)

There is something freeing in being able to admit that I am weak, imperfect, and downright sinful. And there is relief in realizing that I can’t actually live up to the law of love, yet I don’t have to stay stuck in my own mess: first Christ Jesus releases me from the guilt, and secondly his Spirit enables me to change.

Even so, the overwhelm continued. Grocery shopping was discouraging as I piled list-items into the cart. We’d had a family meeting in the afternoon and Kevin had tasked me with stocking up on staples he is accustomed to, especially canned beans. My step-daughter had chosen a couple of slow-cooker recipes, so we needed ingredients for those. Even though I didn’t buy anything off list, watching the total cost get higher and higher at the check-out stand made me want to cry! Fortunately, my husband was not only gracious but congratulatory as he helped me put away the groceries.

Have I mentioned that I love him? And love involves submission and service. It’s not just about my dreams or his dreams, but our dreams. Kevin loved his study, but it was not self-indulgent, it was preparation to serve other people from our church community through teaching. Kevin takes his responsibilities as elder very seriously. Why would I not support him in that?

Not only does domestic support fill Kevin’s love-tank, it’s a physical reprieve as well: an old work injury limits his ability to do manual labour. I should be happy to take care of the things I can do, to save his physical resources for things that I can’t, like car repairs. Sure, we look fairly traditional already, and it works. We are tag teaming and figuring out how to be the best team we can be, by the grace & help of God.

Of course, it helped to reconnect and converse in bed at night. :)