Almost all my conversations are about the wedding. There’s nothing particularly new to report. Plans are moving along, step by step.
Basically, I’m living between three places until the wedding (my brother’s place, my in-laws, my fiance’s), so November was a stupid month to try the NaBloPoMo challenge. My friends will tell you that one of my greatest strengths is also a great weakness: I’m (overly) optimistic.
So never mind the band wagon. I’ll post when I can.
All week I’ve been thinking about this blog and intentionally letting it slide. Blogging gurus say regular posting is critical to increased followership. Fair enough. But right now, I’m blogging to track my progress in business and in wedding plans.
Last week was full, full, full with meetings and transitions. I left my laptop at my fiancé's house most of the week in order to focus on the bookstore and packing to move. Living with my brother has been good, but we needed to cut my commuting time in the weeks leading up to the wedding, so as of Thursday I am staying in my future in-laws’ basement suite. Seems like a reasonable arrangement thus far. I really enjoy my future mother-in-law.
On Monday, Kathleen McMillan was in Calgary, tagging along with her husband Grant as he attended a conference. She used the two days to catch up on some admin work for Open Eyes Books and to visit with me. We spent Monday morning meeting at Phil & Sebastian Coffee in Marda Loop, where Kathleen had the best yogurt she’d ever tasted. We spread out our books and got down to business. In the process, two different people overheard our conversations and talked to us about it.
First there was Jen, the business coach, who works specifically with women entrepreneurs, helping them figure out how to make their businesses profitable. We each took one of her cards.
Then there was Chris(?), who is clearly proud and supportive of his wife, who was at the other end of the shop conducting a meeting. He gave us one of her cards and a complimentary copy of her book.
Aside from the significant headway that Kathleen and I made, these two conversations were extremely heartening for us, like affirmations that we’re on the right track.
Yesterday was a wedding shopping day: men’s suits from Moores and ideas for “intelligent storage solutions” from IKEA.
Today, a meeting with the two women who will oversee our wedding catering. That’s a HUGE piece to get into place and I came away tired but satisfied with our progress..
And now, to sleep, perchance to dream.
Today it’s 54 days until our wedding. Fifty-four more good-byes at the end of the day (give or take a few). Fifty-four more nights of sleeping alone.
18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
19 Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.
But for Adam[f] no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs[g] and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib[h] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
K and I had a pre-marital counseling session with our pastor today. Last time we met, Pastor Mel gave us questionnaires to fill out individually. Today we reviewed them and Pastor Mel was most encouraging. He flagged a couple of areas that we might want to talk about with each other and, possibly, with a qualified third party, but for the most part he affirmed our thoughtfulness and our suitedness and at the end of the meeting he blessed us and that appears to be that. Two sessions and we’re off!
I suspect if we had more serious issues he would have worked longer with us or been more urgent in recommending that we see another counselor. We do need to start meeting with our officiating pastor, and I have a feeling he will draw out some of these conversations.
So K and I are leaving singleness and entering weddedness. A year and a half ago, I front-loaded our relationship with difficult questions and intense emotional work. I didn’t want any surprises. I wanted to be sure of K. There was some wisdom in that approach—and, unfortunately, too much fear. After so many years of wondering if I was destined to be single and/or childless, I marvel that marriage is on my doorstep.
I never want to forget what it was like to be single for so long, with all of the emotional, social, relational, spiritual complexity. I know that marriage means trading one set of complexities for another, but I never want my coupled state to eclipse my awareness that it is difficult to be alone.
In an interview about his new book, Redeeming Singleness, Barry Danylak explains,
Paul is not contradicting Genesis—that is he is not say that it is good to be alone. Paul does not envision a life of singleness that is a life lived in isolation, but a life lived in close community and fellowship with the new family of God in Christ.
There is a difference between being lonely and being alone. Being alone can be a healthy state of solitude. Being lonely can happen even in a crowd—the sense of being disconnected, unseen, unsupported, unwanted. Aloneness needs no cure. Loneliness needs gentle care. “God sets the lonely in families,” the psalmist writes (Psalm 68:6).
K and I talk a lot about our home. We share a love for hospitality. Already, with his daughter and his cousin living there, we are and will be a blended family, and we love to include more. Lauren Winner resonates with this:
One of the many experiences America has privatized is marriage; we believe that marriage is something given to two people for their companionship, fulfillment, happiness, and perhaps for the rearing of children. While companionship, kids, et cetera, are clearly part of marriage, in the Christian landscape I think we have to see that marriage is not given exclusively, or even primarily, to the couple. (And insofar as it is given to them, it is for their transformation, not their fulfillment.) It is given to the community, the church, to be a sign to the community of God’s relentless faithfulness. Other people’s marriages instruct me in what faithfulness looks like.
Our marriage is not to be for ourselves, for our own pleasure and healing. It is to be for others, from Christ and to him and through him. We love because Christ first loved us. We love each other and we love others because of Christ.
The problem with trying to blog every day for a month is that sometimes you write things in a hurry and don’t re-read them and they don’t hang together very well: like yesterday’s post.
Nothing profound to (try to) report today. Had lots of important conversations yesterday and will have more today:
:: I love talking up some of the new books that are in or coming into Ambrose Bookstore. Four from yesterday include Redeeming Singleness (mentioned yesterday), A. B. Simpson and the Pentecostal Movement by Ambrose professor Charles Nienkirchen, The Next Christendom by Philip Jenkins, and Forgotten Voices by Barbara L. Howe.
:: Spent a couple of hours going through wedding checklists with K’s parents, especially budget considerations. Not always “fun” but important, with some entertaining moments.
:: Organizing the food catering team for our wedding.
:: Launching Samantha’s First Story at 10:30 this morning at Monkey Shines in Calgary’s Marda Loop.
:: Doing a pre-marital counseling session with K & Pastor Mel this afternoon.
:: Getting ready to spend some time with Kathleen McMillan on Monday morning and evening.
There’s an awful lot to do … but it’s good, it’s very good.
At 42 (I don’t mind telling you) I am approaching marriage for the first time. This will be my fiance’s second marriage. He is 37 and not the same man he was before, so this time his approach is radically different. Not just because he is more grown up or merely because he has learned a few things, but because he has been transformed by the gospel. He became a Christian after his divorce (through an Alpha course at our current church). He took a DivorceCare course and spent several years “waiting at the line of reconciliation,” being an attentive father, and basically learning to be faithful. After wind knocked him off a roof and out of the work force, he spend long days reading the Bible and theology. He has no formal education to speak of, but he is one of the most well-read men I have met. I have two masters degrees, and he constantly surprises, challenges and delights me with his insights.
My fiance’s perspective on marriage in light of Ephesians 5 refreshes, delights, inspires, and chastises me. Our courtship was long and he was so careful. Since he placed the symbol of his intent on my finger, I have been astounded and healed by his grace-filled care for me, but this not of himself, but from Christ through the Holy Spirit of God. He often laments that so much Christian writing on marriage (or anything) is just “therapeutic moralistic deism”: good ideas salted with Bible verses, but really no better than any person’s best ideas, and those ideas might make things “work” better, but ultimately they give us more things to do, placing burdens on our shoulders, not really freeing us from or for anything. So the Ephesians 5 call to a man to sacrificially give himself up for his wife is just a burden unless he stays in Christ (and in so doing to love his wife as Christ loved the church) and realizes that he can only love his wife (or anyone) because Christ has loved him first. A profound mystery.
Because of this, I am eager to share a new book with Kevin: Redeeming Singleness by Barry Danylak. Barry dropped it off at Ambrose Bookstore earlier this week.
Quotidian challenge of NaBloPoMo. Every day. Did I really say I would write every single day for a month? And this just two months before my wedding? Hmmm. Must be certifiably insane.
Went to High River with my future in-laws yesterday to check out venues. We toured Highwood Memorial Centre and the Full Gospel church and booked both of them for Kevin’s and my wedding. Now am wrestling with invitations. Good grief. My wedding is 1.75 months away and we’ve barely started formally inviting people. Even so, we HAVE been spreading the word.
This afternoon I was longed to be a student again when someone invited me to supper with Rudy Wiebe. Alas, I could not go, but I got in on his lecture at Ambrose University College this evening, then sold several of his books afterwards. Got him to sign a few for me, too, and had the nicest little chat with him. Wish it could have been longer. During the lecture and the Q&A I thought of all kinds of brilliant things to blog about, but they have flown from my mind.
My calendar has just beeped at me to take my turn praying for Zac, a boy from our church who is having major surgery today. So I’ll publish this and do that …
Today's NaBloPoMo writing prompt: Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you?
Kevin and I spent two weekends looking for rings. We found my wedding ring right away, a beautiful, elfin design that delighted both of us, but the engagement ring was more difficult because our tastes are quite different. I wanted a ring that we both loved and learned to watch his expressions: the blank look, the obvious frown, the pleased little smile. He bought this one on the spot.
As much as he wished I could wear it immediately, he wanted to ask my father's blessing first, so we waited a week until Thanksgiving (Canadian). On Saturday afternoon he went for a walk with Dad, and later that evening he went for a walk with me. He put his arm around my should and said, "I'm really looking forward to marrying you."
We found a secluded picnic table. He set the box on it and we sat facing each other on the same side."I don't really know the words," he told me, "but I want you to be my wife."
"I want to be your wife," I responded.
"May I put this symbol of my intent on your finger?" he asked.
Guess what I said ... :)
I thought it was something post-modern when I saw it on Rebekah Joy Plett’s blog. You know: pomo. And maybe it is a pomo thing to do, but that’s not what NaBloPoMo means; it’s National Blog Posting Month, “the epicenter of daily blogging! People who want to set the habit of blogging by doing it every day for a month, including weekends, can come here for moral support, inspiration, and the camaraderie that only marathon blogging can provide.”
Why not? I get on and off the blogging bandwagon. Of course, when I’m off it’s because I feel like I’ve nothing to say. Or because I’ve got a lot going on in the depths of my being and am holding my cards close to my chest or am treasuring wonders in my heart, much like Mary in the early years of Jesus’ life (Luke 2:19 & 51)
I have two significant blogs: this one and Siretona Creative. Because of the two conversations theme, this is the obvious blog for the NaBloPoMo challenge. However, I hope it spins off to Siretona, because there are so many creative women (and men) you need to know about, and because I want to blog more regularly over there.
In the next two months and beyond, you can expect a lot of conversations about my upcoming wedding. That’s right: WEDDING. Something I wasn’t sure would ever happen (see Rambling Thoughts Towards a Book Review). But lo, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, the internet linked me with my knight in shining Chevy.
Online dating was a horrific experience, let me tell you. For about 4 years I subjected myself to it through Christian Cafe, a fair enough site with helpful guidelines and controls built in. I got involved with one guy for about 3 years through it, but he wasn’t right at all. (Don’t ask me why it lasted so long—I still puzzle over that. Mom says, “He spoke your language.” Sure.) Then there were the illiterates: the guys who would send inane messages and questions that could have easily been answered if they had read my profile. That’s why it was there: to be read and to jump-start conversations. Sometimes the filtering process was easier than others.
At one point, my brother Jeffrey forbade me to go on that site anymore. “But,'” I wailed, “they keep sending me three free days!” That’s when Jeffrey washed his hands of the mess. But then Kevin sent me the nicest note to encourage me and he included details that indicated he had read my profile. He didn’t expect it to go anywhere: he was in Calgary and my nearest city was Regina. But then I had a trip to Calgary so suggested we connect, which we did: four hours on a Friday night during which he talked my ear off, mostly about theology. At the end I asked, “Are things always this heady and intense in your world?” He replied, “Only when I’m having a good time.” I took it as a compliment.
We started corresponding and very soon he started calling, then I had a long stop in the Calgary airport, so he came for coffee and it was clear he was interested. Then he wanted to come see me and drove all night to spend a weekend in June with me at my brother’s place. We held hands. It was official.
I went to Calgary in July (5 days), he came to Sask in July (10 days), he came to Sask in August (2 days), I went to Calgary in September (4 days) and October (4 days) and suddenly it became clear that I needed to move to see if this would actually work. So on November 14th I packed my Crown Victoria and drove all night to Calgary.
It was a long, dark, difficult winter, yet it was important. The relationship did more than survive, so here we are, engaged to be married on December 30th. I love that man.
Aside from an accident and traffic tickets, lack of employment and income, feeling completely uprooted and dangling, I have chiefly wrestled with identity questions: who am I? what’s essential to fight for and what must I relinquish—or be prepared to relinquish? I knew those thoughts might make great blog posts, but I couldn’t tell the web about them just yet: the struggle was too painful, and I wanted to know which way the relationship would go before saying anything, wanted to protect Kevin. But now I can tell the world!
