fear of success: a matter of scale

In dialoguing with a colleague in an online forum, she noted her fear of success. With some trepidation (another form of fear!), I offered my thoughts and asked if they made sense. She said they did make sense and added "It's totally the kind of 'authorization' I needed." It was a good reminder for myself. Perhaps you would appreciate it, too:

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A few years ago I attended some workshops about music business, and one presenter (Steve Bell) told the audience, "We encourage artists to stay out of the music industry." He explained that his company encourages artists to make the world more beautiful and to understand the place of their work in the world: is it personal? local? regional? national? international? Where does it fit?

He also advises artists think of their work as a "sustainable" business rather than trying to make it big. Not everyone needs to have big international or national success, but they can have important local or regional impact and still make a living.

So perhaps part of your decision will be scale: How big do you really want or need to be? I know it's really popular to talk about abundance in business — to dream big. I'm one of the biggest dreamers I know! But I'm starting to appreciate the importance of being realistic about the limitations of our lives: health, mental illness, family commitments, etc. So we need to define our bottom line: How much is "enough"? How much is "too much"? Can I sustain this? By what means will I sustain this?

Perhaps you will need at least two more things:

•developing enough material/products in advance with a delivery system that can manage itself when you have a difficult season
•gathering supporters who can help manage your business when you have difficult seasons (e.g. bookkeeper, virtual assistant, distributor, etc.)

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Does this make sense to you? What scale do you envision for your enterprise? How will you sustain it?

so many conversations!

Really? Two weeks since my last post? I’ve been having so many conversations, often thinking, “I should blog about this,” but it’s been too much fun conversing to write about them! Here’s a list of some of them, not necessarily in chronological order:

• Carrie Catherine. We’ve been emailing about organizing a concert for her in the Calgary area and chatting about her song “Sunshine Baby” and a lullaby my mom used to sing, “Good Morning, Merry Sunshine.” I blogged about the songs here.
•  Barbara Howe & her friend Yvette. Several months ago when I met Barbara, she immediately felt like a kindred spirit. Her book, Forgotten Voices, was uncannily parallel with my own research in women’s history. I suggested designing a website for her book, . She loved the idea. A few weeks ago on March 29th, I hosted an author night through Ambrose Bookstore, and Barb was on the roster. Delightful evening. She brought Yvette, of course, along with several others. On Monday, Barb & Yvette & I met for lunch and visited for over three hours! Discovered a neat connection to Yvette: a few weeks ago Kevin & I bought some filing cabinets from a guy who advertised on Kijiji. Barbara was telling me about Yvette’s husband, and the details sounded exactly like the Kijiji guy, who turned out to be Yvette’s husband!!! The world is not just small, it’s tiny!

• On April 1st, I set up a booth for Ambrose Bookstore at a Christian Trade Show and met all kinds of inspiring people. I shared the booth with Work of Your Hand, whose fairly traded products we carry in the store. 
• The following Saturday, I met my friend and fellow creative lady, Brenda Hemphill, at the Women 2 Women Expo where we visited the interesting booths, sampled food and fragrances and more, bought Gems of Gluten Free Baking, then sat down to plan for a creative women conference, similar to the one I hosted last year.
• Somewhere in there I had a phone conversation with Rosie, who blogs at Iambic Admonit and Space for God – Photo Blog. (You’ll notice that the photo blog features a picture of a mommy reading BlueBeary to her little boy!)

I’m sure there are lots more, but that’s a snapshot for now.

What is creativity? (part 2)

What is creativity? (part 2) is available on my other blog, Siretona Creative.

That’s where the first post was supposed to go! What is creativity? (part 1)

Identity (part 2): person or brand?

I bought the March/April issue of Writer’s Digest to get Christina Katz’s article “50 Simple Ways to Build Your Platform in 5 Minutes a Day.” This gem comes with other treasures, including an interview with Emma Donoghue, author of bestseller Room.

A theme of identity stood out to me in their pieces.

Katz advises writers, “Be Yourself. Advice that tells authors to act like brands encourages us to forget to act like regular people. But social media is made for people, not robots. The fact that you’re a writer and a parent or an uncle and a Packers fan or a vegetarian makes you interesting. Your readers and fans want you to be personable, not a one-topic ever-plugging broken record. Spend five minutes making a profile more you” (p. 43).

Writer’s Digest asks Donoghue, “In a publishing climate where writers are often advised to develop one niche, you’re quite diverse. Is that something you consciously strive for?”

Donoghue replies,

“You know, maybe I’m lucky nobody ever told me that. I know what you mean, in terms of marketing and making a brand of yourself. It would be logical to develop one niche. But I’ve always had a very good agent who’s always emphasized the sure interest of each book or play. She’s never approached my work with that hard-boiled, Will this appeal to your previous readership? attitude. I know my publishers are occasionally a bit bemused by, you know, what am I going to throw at them next, but nobody’s ever said, “Oh Emma, you have to give us more of the same thing” (pp. 37-38).

It’s not just a publishing climate, it’s a business climate, even a social climate. E-Myth talks about it. My colleagues talk[ed] about it at Ambrose and Briercrest. Stephanie Pollock exhorts that business and life are not separate and guides women through a clarification process for it.* Christina Katz rejects it for writers:

Now some people like to substitute the word "branding" for identity, but I'm not partial to the former. Are you a writer or a pharmaceutical company? Are you a writer or a can of soda? Are you a writer...you get the idea. Be who YOU are and spread the word in a professional manner. This takes more thought than you might expect because it's part of the story that precedes you, goes with you, and lingers behind you, everywhere you go. For more on this topic, start reading on page 175 and don't stop until you figure out your Otherwise Known As.

There’s a place for branding, but let’s heed fair warning that brand building can de-personalize. Some people’s names are synonymous with their brand: Rachael Ray, Oprah Winfrey, and Steven Covey are three who immediately come to mind. It’s common, but what’s the net effect? I don’t have a lot of answers, but I do have a healthy wariness.

Who are you? Do you distinguish person from brand? Why or why not? How?

 

*Note: I like Steph Pollock and just signed up for one of her courses. I might filter some of her branding messages, though.

Identity (part 1): grieving losses and change

What is creativity? (part 1)

Often when people tell me they are not creative, I tell them, “Creativity is the ability to use other people’s ideas well.” The idea came from a college textbook that made a strong impression on me two decades ago: Creative Teaching Methods by Marlene LeFever.

My sister is getting married next month and because I live far away from her, I’m compiling a cookbook using The Great Family Cookbook Project. It’s fun to read the submissions & sending out little inspirational notes to the [would-be] contributors.

My next note will suggest the contributors don’t need to be original and will encourage them to share favourites from other sources. For example, one woman added “Angel Biscuits” and included her source: Company’s Coming Muffins and More. I need to include “Blender Hollandaise Sauce” from The Joy of Cooking—so easy and so scrumptious on asparagus or eggs benedict.

I found Creative Teaching Methods on Google Books (of course). In searching for the quotation above (if it IS a direct quote), I have discovered other gems, like this one:

Creativity has become a feminine word. Women are usually thought of as being more creative than men, more at ease sharing their emotions through drama, song and teaching. … “Of course not,” we say, but our attitudes don’t always back up our words.

Look a little deeper. Most creative people are both sensitive and independent. In our society sensitivity is a female characteristic, and independence is considered a masculine characteristic. (p. 37)

LeFever goes on to show that creativity is NOT just the domain of women. That’s good, because I know a lot of creative men: my brother Jeffrey (an insanely talented potter-photographer-videographer-painter-musician), my friend Grant (carver; wordsmith), the illustrious Robert Genn, my husband, etc., etc.

The problem is connotations in meaning. When most North Americans hear “feminine,” we tend to think female. The French would never make that mistake. Or when we hear feminine in relation to men, we tend to think effeminate and/or gay. True, some creative men are effeminate and/or gay, but lots of men (like the ones listed above) are not. It’s too easy to make false equivocations.

So technically, I have no problem with saying that creativity tends to be a feminine quality: not female, not effeminate, not gay, not limited to women. And I’m comfortable saying that independence is a masculine quality, but not male or beefy or limited to women. Of course, to say creativity is feminine implies softness, which is kind of true (think intuition), but it certainly requires discipline (more later), which has a masculine denotation. But creativity is NOT chiefly a womanly thing.

Do you agree or disagree? Why?

project management

My husband took a project management course on the weekend. It has led to some important conversations that will affect business and our personal lives.

First: personal. Kevin’s group used our home renovations as a case study. We’re going to have a family meeting about it tomorrow with all of the key stakeholders: his daughter, his cousin, himself, and me.

Second: business. Kevin has suggested that I take advantage of what he’s been learning to develop and strategize in my own business. He’s brilliant. I’m looking forward to that.

I’m also looking forward to lunch with him in a few minutes!

homesteading & camping out

Since this blog is called 2 conversations, I should tell you about a couple of actual conversations.

1.    

Don't you love it when something that's already on your "to do" list suddenly gets accomplished and you didn't actually have to take the initiative? And isn’t it a nice surprise when you usually don’t answer 800 numbers, but sometimes when you do That's what happened this morning: my list told me to call Homestead/Intuit about setting up a storefront ... then THEY called ME!

It was just a routine customer service call to see how things were going and if I like their service. Like it? I love it! I’ve designed quite a few sites with their easy drag-and-drop SiteBuilder technology (see list below).

I had the loveliest chat with Amy. She was most helpful and knowledgeable. We immediately emailed back and forth a bit on some of my questions. I have a feeling we’re going to have a fruitful relationship, possibly both ways, since she was quite interested in my children’s book publishing.

2. 

We’re renovating the bachelor pad. We’ve been talking about it for months. I hear it’s really good for a marriage. Not stressful at all, except maybe conversations about what to do with a front entry and whether or not to knock out walls and door frames. :)

I’ve been hovering in “camping out” mode with papers and filing and boxes and projects, waiting for the day when we’ve set up the basic infrastructure (i.e. flooring and desk) before settling in. As a partially self-employed person who works from home, it’s hard to be camping out for so long, especially after five years of nomadic life, with most of my household effects in storage! When we got married on December 30th, I thought we might start by the end of January or mid February. Of course not. Everyone says renos always take at least twice as long as you expect.

But just when I think my husband isn’t thinking about renos, he surprises me by saying he’s called someone: a painter, a carpenter, a plumber, a supplier. He bids on leftovers and demos from his employer: light fixtures, baseboards, a brand new frontloading washer/dryer set. And today I welcomed a flooring expert to measure our house. It’s really happening now! We’ll replacing everything on the main floor with new tile and laminate (and maybe a bit of carpet). It will be so refreshing.

Of course I’m dreaming about window treatments and slipcovers and more!

 

Websites I’ve built on the Homestead/Intuit platform:

Personal projects:

• My main site: www.siretona.com (being renovated, kind of like my house…)
• Children’s book publishing: www.openeyes.ca
• Humour about going “over the hill”: www.marthamorgan.ca
• Music: www.colleenanddara.com

A few other clients:

• www.keystomusic.ca
• www.exceptionalconsulting.ca (aka www.mychildmybusiness.ca)
• www.northernlakeshealthcommittee.ca
• www.safetyforallconsulting.com

gardens

I’ve been thinking about gardens, growth, hospitality, and attracting butterflies.

Occasionally I have grown potted plants with success.

A few years ago I tried a garden plot, with VERY small success: a few handfuls of beans and peas and 3 or 4 cabbages. Maybe one or two cobs of corn: I don’t remember. I didn’t know what I was doing. And I lived too far away from my garden (several km) to nurture it well.

This year, in a new home, I plan to try again. The back yard is small, but it’s handy and it neighbours a playground. I dream of planting sweet peas and sunflowers against the chain link fence to create a bit more privacy for us and beauty for passers-by. I dream of a couple beds of vegetables, and of still having room for a sitting area around a small fire. Perhaps it will never be as verdant as the garden pictured above, but it can be cozy and it can be mine.

My husband doubts the execution, but he humored me and bought seed packets: sunflowers, sweet peas, and a mix called “butterfly garden.” Butterflies, like bees, are important for the pollination and propagation of plant life. Flowers, thus, are not merely beautiful: they attract synergistic relationships.

I hope, through nesting into my new home and my garden, to draw butterflies, grow vegetation, and nurture relationships—to find sympathies and synergies. I hope to draw literal butterflies and metaphorical butterflies*: women (and men) who are emerging, discovering who God has created and intended them to be.

*Apparently Wendell Berry was careful about the use of metaphor: “When a metaphor is construed as an equation, it is out of control; when it is construed as an identity, it is preposterous.” (source: Twitter @DailyWendell). As much as I admire Mr. Berry, I don’t mind if my use of butterflies and gardening as metaphor transgresses his perspective a bit.

transformation

I’ve been thinking about the life-span of butterflies.

I’ve been thinking about metamorphosis, process that transforms an egg into a caterpillar or worm (something squishy, maybe fuzzy or slimy) into a cocooned chrysalis into a fragile, gossamer- or dusty-winged creature.

Did you know that not all chrysalides are completely helpless?

“Like other types of pupae, the chrysalis stage in most butterflies is one in which there is little movement. However, some butterfly pupae are capable of moving the abdominal segments to produce sounds or to scare away potential predators.”

Waiting brings helplessness. The instinct to divert perceived predators is natural and right.

 

I’ve been thinking about the lives of women and butterflies.

Men, too. But women in particular, and how so much of our lives consist in waiting.

Sure there is some truth in saying we have choices, yet we can’t pursue everything.

Sometimes even the gentlest force is too much, shortcutting a process and crippling the result.

Sometimes we just have to wait and pray, like living in a cocoon, and wait for the day when we emerge: fragile, gossamer, gorgeous new creatures.

That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

~ Romans 8:18-30, The Message

mixing ministry and business

Today I enjoyed working at home: listened to a webinar for Siretona business, set up a cookbook project as a remote wedding shower for my sister, did some cleaning to serve my household, and replaced our mismatched Corelle dishes with the pottery my brother made for our wedding. I used another wedding gift, our slow cooker, to make one of my favourite recipes: Boston Baked Beans (recipe below). The sauce was so deliciously compelling, that I ate too much of it before Kevin got home!

Over supper we discussed and critiqued the webinar I had heard. It was the second in a three-part series on ministry entrepreneurship. In the first webinar, I was concerned when the presenter said that Christians don’t need more Bible study, we just need to put what we know into practice. True, we need to practice what we profess, but saying we don’t need more Bible study is like saying we can train for and run a marathon without eating! It’s not either/or, it’s both/and.

A bit skeptical, I approached the second webinar and was even more concerned with the presenter’s officious and pedantic style. He dismisses “aggregates” (organizers and leaders of groups) as roadblocks to ministers who must “posture to persuade the gatekeepers” to let them in. Then he says “the secret is to become your own aggregator.” Several times he does this: dismisses a category or term in one area only to re-appropriate it for his purposes later. He also implies that a “ministry entrepreneur” must “become a powerhouse” in order to build a niche following or aggregate (aka “Ministry Family”) in order to found a sustainable ministry. Though meaningful ministry is the goal, it is not located in the context of the church—in fact, it seems to happen in spite of or even against the church. Though he talks about building relationships and giving ministry, the whole model comes across as dehumanizing, blatantly individualistic, and self-seeking. He defines ministry as sharing ME. Apparently, I am God’s gift to the world and all I need to do is unwrap the gift and open myself up. 

We can proof text the Bible to support this model. The presenter uses Matthew 13, the parable of the pearl of great price, to show that we have He doesn’t use 2 Corinthians 4:7 (which would have been more obvious): “We have this treasure in jars of clay.” Perhaps he avoids this one because of context: the our treasure is not to become our own powerhouse, employ failsafe entrepreneurial strategies, but rather “to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” The surrounding chapters, 2 Corinthians 3-5, are all about suffering and being reconciled to God through Christ. Paul and his companions are very aware of calling people to follow Christ, not “galvanizing people” to themselves. We can couch our business models in religious term, but what are we doing? Justifying our own wisdom, rather than really grappling with and following the call of God. Of course, there’s no suggestion that in unwrapping and opening myself I might find a Pandora’s box of sin along with ministry gifts.

¹⁶ So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! ¹⁸ All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. ²⁰ We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. ²¹ God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Notice who does the work: GOD does it through Christ. Even in verse 20, we are Christ’s ambassadors “as though God were making his appeal through us.” In every case we get eclipsed by the one we serve.

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Boston Baked Beans
(from Company's Coming - Slow Cooker Recipes, pg.22)

I doubled this recipe for our large slow cooker. In consideration of my husband, I omitted the onions and added a package of bacon. I cut the bacon into small pieces and pre-cooked it (as advised by Rachael Ray) and added it in the second step. In hindsight, I would use a thicker back bacon for a heartier effect.

2¼ cups (560 ml)  Dried navy beans (or peas), 1 lb. (454g)
1½ cups (375 ml)  Chopped onion
5 cups (1.25 l)      Water

Combine beans, onion and water 3 1/2 quart (3.5 l) slow cooker. Stir.
Cover. Cook on Low for 8 to 10 hours or on High for 4 to 5 hours.

½ cup (125 ml)      Ketchup
1/3 cup (75 ml)  Molasses (not blackstrap)
1/3 cup (75 ml)  Brown sugar, packed
1 tsp. (5 ml)     Dry mustard
1 tsp. (5 ml)     Salt
1/4 tsp (1 ml)    Pepper

1 pkg thick back bacon or salt pork

Add remaining 6 ingredients. Stir well. Cover. Cook on High for about
30 minutes to blend flavours. Makes 6 cups (1.5 L).

Nutritional information: 1/2 cup (125 mL): 195 Calories; 0.6 g Total Fat; 380 mg Sodium; 9 g Protein; 40 g Carbohydrate;
good source of Dietary Fibre.

PHOTO: Pottery by Jeffrey  Taylor of Newschool Arts

Technorati Tags: household economy,business & ministry

the grocery bill

There’s often a correlation between business finances and personal finances, especially for the self-employed and in the early days of a start-up. Getting married has been a good thing for my finances, clarifying categories, controlling spending, and killing debt. So far my husband and I are laying a good foundation for communicating about money, with monthly reviews of our budget and periodic check-ins. Unfortunately, it appears we completely underestimated our grocery budget! We have a lot to learn about planning meals and shopping for food.

Enter Erin Ortlund and her recent blog series about saving money on groceries and other household expenses. Post #1, “Know your prices,” comforts me: learning to shop for a family takes time. We’re not “rolling in the dough,” but we’re not destitute either, so we’ve got some room to play in our food budget.

The good news is, getting married has drastically reduced our spending on entertainment and eating out. Tonight we’re storm-stayed by a blizzard, so we’ll enjoy a homemade meatless meal (tofu stirfry with rice noodles), followed by my husband’s gourmet popcorn (real butter, parmesan & asiago cheese) and a movie rented with a Blockbuster gift card. Cosy.

being a business woman

Learning never ends. In spite of having many leadership positions for a couple of decades, my business development is quite fledgling. I have dabbled in direct selling and network marketing and have dipped into self-employment, but in spite of this, I have been more like a hobbyist than a true business woman.

Enter the job of managing a bookstore, a bonafide business where I am getting a crash course in the financial and record-keeping side of things and it really, really matters what I know and what I do and how. I have done good things for the bookstore at Ambrose University College (e.g. improved layout, refined processes, new customer reward program), but if I want to do better I need some professional development.

My boss and I have been talking about training options. Recently, I attended an information night at Mount Royal University for their Small Business Certificate. Students can take individual courses or the complete program. I would love to take the whole thing, but cannot right now. Turns out Brendan (my boss) has the BA in Small Business and Entrepreneurship from Mount Royal, and we have lots of business and finance textbooks in our store, so I proposed an independent study program where I read and write reports and then we discuss what I’ve learned. We start with a hefty tome called Financial Accounting — a little light reading.

Not only will my new knowledge and skills bring increased success in the bookstore, it will influence my ability to develop Siretona Creative and to coach other women who want to be more than hobbyists. Like Kathleen McMillan who wrote this in her Christmas letter:

I continue to work on marketing and writing my children’s book series. I have learned so much this year including that I quite like being a business woman. It will be no surprise to anyone who knows creative people that I hate anything financial but I am looking forward to getting help and learning more about that from a friend* this year.

Last week Kathleen came to Calgary for a couple of days. She gave presentations at McKenzie Towne School on Wednesday, and we spent Thursday morning having a business meeting. We also both purchased a book from Ambrose Bookstore called Building a Dream: A Canadian Guide to Starting Your Own Business. It’s a workbook and it’s Canadian, so helpful on a number of levels in developing our businesses, Siretona Creative and Open Eyes Books.

*Note: this friend is an accountant Kathleen met and worked with on a preschool fundraiser.

living the housewifely dream

On Saturday morning we slept in. Then, while Kevin prepared to teach our Bible study,

I launched into being the good little housewife.

I prepared breakfast.

I washed dishes.

I cleaned the bathroom.

 

I prepared a grocery list.

I swept the floor.

I mopped the floor.

And somewhere in the  middle of it all, I started to feel underappreciated.

I didn’t want to be doing housework.

I wanted to be studying, too. I have entrepreneurial desires and some new business books and wanted to launch into those.

My insides felt grumbly.

In addition to cleaning, I was overseeing my step-daughter in studying, then cleaning her room, then editing pictures of herself and her friends from our wedding on my computer. My husband was occasionally reading aloud to me, trying to involve me in his interests. He was sweet and eager, but I was distracted and disgruntled. “You study so much!” I complained.

Somewhere along the hours—perhaps during my pause to shower—I realized a few things:

1. I am living my dream—one of them anyhow. Long have I dreamed of having a husband and family to live with and care for. So house cleaning is part of that dream. Other dreams must wait their turn—or even be released. I knew that and wrestled with it before I married, but knowing something and living it are quite different.

2. My husband has been a single-parent for many years and he has also waited a long time for a wife. Early in our courtship we read His Needs, Her Needs and he admitted a high need for domestic support. He is an able cook and wants to be on the roster for making meals, but dishes, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, laundry, etc., defeat him. He is relieved to give those tasks over to his wife. I have had a couple of decades to study: a bachelor’s degree, two masters degrees, a certificate in teaching English as a foreign language, many years of working in education. He is self-taught and I think he’s brilliant. He would love to go to school: that’s one of the first things he admired about me when we started corresponding. He’s an excellent worker and provider. Why would I begrudge him time to study? It’s his turn.

3. I am just selfish. Kevin often says “marriage is mortification of the flesh.” For sure, I am being mortified!

Wretched [wo]man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. (Romans 7:24-8:1)

There is something freeing in being able to admit that I am weak, imperfect, and downright sinful. And there is relief in realizing that I can’t actually live up to the law of love, yet I don’t have to stay stuck in my own mess: first Christ Jesus releases me from the guilt, and secondly his Spirit enables me to change.

Even so, the overwhelm continued. Grocery shopping was discouraging as I piled list-items into the cart. We’d had a family meeting in the afternoon and Kevin had tasked me with stocking up on staples he is accustomed to, especially canned beans. My step-daughter had chosen a couple of slow-cooker recipes, so we needed ingredients for those. Even though I didn’t buy anything off list, watching the total cost get higher and higher at the check-out stand made me want to cry! Fortunately, my husband was not only gracious but congratulatory as he helped me put away the groceries.

Have I mentioned that I love him? And love involves submission and service. It’s not just about my dreams or his dreams, but our dreams. Kevin loved his study, but it was not self-indulgent, it was preparation to serve other people from our church community through teaching. Kevin takes his responsibilities as elder very seriously. Why would I not support him in that?

Not only does domestic support fill Kevin’s love-tank, it’s a physical reprieve as well: an old work injury limits his ability to do manual labour. I should be happy to take care of the things I can do, to save his physical resources for things that I can’t, like car repairs. Sure, we look fairly traditional already, and it works. We are tag teaming and figuring out how to be the best team we can be, by the grace & help of God.

Of course, it helped to reconnect and converse in bed at night. :)

my bouquet

I didn't throw my bouquet at the wedding.

I didn't realize that I wasn't going to until the MC (my brother) announced it: "Now Colleen is going to throw the bouquet."

Surprised, I said, "I am?"

Instead of throwing it, I went to the podium and made a speech, completely impromptu, about how humiliating that practice has been for me and for so many other single women and how my friend Crystal gave red roses to all the single women at her wedding and how I wished I had done something like that.

I talked them about the book I received this fall, Redeeming Singleness, in which the author says that the Christian life is not about being single or married but being in Christ. So I wanted to bless everybody in the room, married or single, and pray that they would know themselves "in Christ."

It will be interesting to watch that on video ... :)

It was a gorgeous bouquet, crafted by my friend Carol. I hung it to dry beside Kevin’s boutonniere at the log cabin where we stayed on our honeymoon, then forgot it when we left. I wonder if they’ve saved it for me …

 

my new partner

Meet Kevin McCubbin. Construction manager, deep thinker, lover of God.

I married him last week.

Already we are planning projects: renos (i.e. home makeover!), teaching series, business planning workbook, my step-daughter’s birthday party …

Feels very natural to be his wife. We did a lot of the hard relational work beforehand. It was worth it.

Here are a few more pictures for you to view at AH Photography on Facebook. Enjoy!

high alert, i.e., “a lot of paranoia”

 

My poor friend Crystal got interrogated 3 times at Canada Customs & Immigration last night! Traveling alone with her baby, 3 separate officials grilled her about whether this really was her child and whether she really was allowed to travel alone with the baby, since she lacked that sort of documentation from her husband.

The 2nd official called Crystal's house in China! Even though he believed Crystal, he didn't give her anything saying she had passed his checkpoint, and the 3rd guy was worse than the other two put together. After questioning her to the point of tears, he made her wait while he took her passports and came out to find me and ask me all about her. I was sitting down when he came through the doors and I just had a feeling he was looking for me. I freely told him everything I could think of about Crystal. He esp. wanted to know about her marital and family status: "Is she still married to Jim? Where is he right now?" I told about each of their four children, ending with, "And then they had K this summer, obviously." (This morning I smiled wryly at my use of the word "obviously." No, it wasn’t obvious to him at all!)

In the midst of all that, Crystal forgot to claim her car seat, so we had to go back to Customs. Fortunately, the lovely official who came to the door let me go in for the car seat instead of Crystal. Officer Christine was very sweet about the whole ordeal, explaining that security checkpoints are on high alert for family abductions during the holidays. It’s such a big issue, that the Government of Canada provides a 19-page resource: International Child Abductions: A Manual for Parents. Traveling from China to Canada via the USA, poor Crystal apparently seemed suspicious and got caught in what her second questioner called "a lot of paranoia."

If only someone had communicated clearly somewhere along the line that travelers should carry proof of permission! Crystal has traveled so much with her other children—even alone with some of them as babies—and has never encountered any problems like this. Being in a healthy marriage Sometimes systems can be way too efficient!

Anyway, she's here now and we have already had such "a good giggle" as Prince William would say. Looking forward to more giggles and more friends arriving today.

let the in-gathering begin

People are coming from far and wide.

Crystal is arriving tonight … all the way from China. About 7 years ago I rode a Greyhound bus from Moose Jaw to Boise, Idaho (via Salt Lake City) for her wedding. She is making a similarly long and arduous journey for me, also via Salt Lake City! But she’s bringing a 6 month old baby.

Chelle is coming from Seattle. She might be in Alberta already – I’m not sure.

Sherry is coming from Vancouver tomorrow.

My in-laws joke about half of Saskatchewan coming for the wedding!

Tomorrow evening, my cousin Brandi is throwing a shower for me. I look forward to this special time of gathering in the company of women to bless and encourage me just two nights before I enter the bridal chamber.

Thank you.

mortification of the flesh

I’m feeling a bit dizzied by all the wedding details yet to be accomplished. That and the sobering magnitude of the commitment we’re about to make!

Mike Mason expresses my wariness: “There were many times when I felt quite seriously that everything my life had stood for was being challenged, or that somehow I had been tricked into selling my very soul for the sake of a woman’s love! In short, there was a lot at stake as the wedding day approached; in fact there was everything at stake.”

I do not feel tricked or hoodwinked. I feel painfully aware of the impending commitment: welcoming it, yet reverently fearing it at the same time. Kevin and I are about to embark on a transformational journey from which there is no return. I tire of leaving him at the end of our days together. By the end of the week I won’t be able to get rid of him. We’ll be (willingly) cooped up together in a log cabin with coffee, popcorn, movies, books, and plenty of taxidermy! We’ll be learning about each other in new ways, very vulnerable ways. And we will be changed, “as iron sharpens iron.” Kevin says marriage involves “mortification of the flesh.” Doesn’t sound pretty, does it? Perhaps it’s fitting that we will share a cabin with stuffed wild animals: the heads of 3 big-horn sheep rams, 2 caribou, and one complete cougar shot by our hosts’ son. Mortification, indeed.

Oh, I know that marriage is not all grim. In fact, I know many people for whom marriage is absolute joy and endless delight. And they’re not living in denial either! However, even they have their moments of rubbing the rough edges off each other.

I have a lot of things to do, so I’ll direct you to more of Mike Mason’s reflections:

But how hard it is to give everything! Indeed it is impossible. One can make a symbolic gesture of giving all, accompanied by a grand dramatic public statement to that effect (which is what happens at the wedding ceremony). But this is just a start. The wedding is merely the beginning of a lifelong process of handing over absolutely everything, and not simply everything that one owns but everything that one is.

Read more …

Actually, let’s end with Philippians 2:1-11.

¹ Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a] God,
   did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
   by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
   being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
   he humbled himself
   by becoming obedient to death—
      even death on a cross!

⁹ Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
   and gave him the name that is above every name,
¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
   in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
¹¹ and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
   to the glory of God the Father.

sweet sardines

Youth group. Leader announces “a friendly game of Sardines” and reviews the rules.

The girl who is almost my step-daughter and almost 12 bounces over: “Come on, Colleen!” 

I reply, “I don’t feel well.” (Truly I didn’t.)

Shoulders sag in disappointment, but she bounces back to her friends.

Suddenly I think it best to exert myself, so stand and join them. She’s thrilled.

Together we search the darkened church sanctuary. I am the first to find the hider.

I gesture and whisper the secret to my almost-step-daughter and crawl under the row. The girl follows. 

More youths follow. My elbow is jumped on—all part of the fun!

Several girls leave the hiding spot, presumably to act as decoys (and wear off energy).

Almost-step-daughter stays, inches closer and pokes me, as she is wont to do.

I poke back. Our fingers play a bit, then settle in. We lay quietly linked until the game ends.

Who knew Sardines could be so sweet?

p.s. Because I found the hider first, I was “it” for the next round. Wedged behind a Christmas tree, I overheard almost-step-daughter explain, “She’s marrying my dad.” :)

p.p.s. It’s been fun to invite kids to our wedding. Surprising how many have never been to one. 

know your numbers

• 1 cup of water, first thing in the morning, then 3 cups of coffee, and I still didn’t feel woken until about 1 pm.
• 1010 AM and 1140 AM: radio stations of choice (though neither got much airtime from me today).
• 4 hours of web development. We’re getting closer to ready to launch: www.northernlakeshealthcommittee.ca.
• 3 hours in the bookstore.
• 1600 lbs of books delivered by Purolator from Foundation Distributing, shrink-wrapped on its own skid, mostly Eerdmans publications because there was a stupendous sale.
• 10ish other boxes from various other book distributors.
• 6 new online RSVPs confirming 20 more guests at our wedding.
• 3 music students.
• $25 “free” gift card from Co-op for buying $100+ in groceries.

• 2 plates of spaghetti and meat sauce for K & me.
• 2 hours of sitting on the couch and talking.
• 24 days until our wedding.

What are some of your numbers?